Random Radio 250423 (460)
Freeform music, Wednesday night from 8-10 MDT on Gila/Mimbres Community Radio, KURU 89.1 FM in Silver City, NM and online at GMCR.org.
[Cue surreal harpsichord glissando, intercut with Doppler-shifted kazoo honks and a distant train that never arrives.]
ANNOUNCER (in booming, mock-gravitas tone, somewhere between a washed-up science fiction narrator and a PTA bingo host on mushrooms):
"And now, from the sun-scorched neural pathways of New Mexico’s high desert... it's the world-renowned, little-understood, semi-legal Tour of the Gila! Yes, friends, it’s the only bicycle race that starts in the 4th dimension and finishes just shy of Ralis - wherever that is. So lace up your cerebral cleats, butter your bicycle seat, and swallow your gears, because this ain’t your grandmother’s Stadtrad!"
[Cue echoey chant: "Do you like worms? Do you like worms? Do you...like...werrrrms...?" abruptly replaced by kazoo version of The Bicycle Tune]
ANNOUNCER:
"We’re broadcasting live from the Promenade Version of reality, where the ghost of Duchamp is reportedly still tightening spokes on his infamous Bicycle Wheel Resonator, attempting to convert conceptual torque into actual forward motion - much like our front-runner, Terry Keeps His Clips On, who's been riding on his bike since '83 and still thinks the Tour de France is a bedtime story about Napoleon’s thighs."
[Insert faux sports desk bustle, clipboard flips, caffeinated murmurs]
ANNOUNCER:
"Today's course takes our two-wheeled philosophers through a jagged paper collage of shifting mesas and renegade rabbits - that’s The Young Rabbits, of course, who recently formed a breakaway group and released a spoken-word EP titled Leavin’ the Car, Takin’ a Bicycle to general acclaim in the post-petroleum poetry scene."
[SFX: fluttering pedals, fluttering eyelashes, a confused rooster on a loop]
ANNOUNCER:
"As the peloton dissolves into a vaporous mirage, we spot our second-place contender, Silver Machine, spinning like a cosmic blender fueled by raw nostalgia and electrolytes. He’s humming My White Bicycle while chasing a hallucinated version of Nine Million Bicycles up a hill that doesn’t exist on any map but does show up on dental X-rays."
[Brief weather update from a cloud that forgot how to rain]
ANNOUNCER:
"And what's this? A sudden surge from the tandem duo known only as Elektro Kardiogramm, broadcasting low-frequency love songs directly into the hippocampus of passing spectators. Behold as their synchronized calves summon a wind not unlike the one that whispered, Let’s have a ride on your bicycle, into the ears of the moon landing crew."
[Cut to: interpretive dance commentary from a mime in lycra]
ANNOUNCER:
"Meanwhile, back at the starting line, a protest of invisible unicyclists chants Pedal Your Blues Away! and demands reparations in the form of banana peels and saddle gel. A spokes-being for the group, dressed entirely in bubble wrap, insists that every bicycle day is sacred, especially Wednesdays, which are now illegal in three counties and parts of Arizona."
[Static burst, then a lone harmonica playing the melody of despair]
ANNOUNCER (softly, reverently):
"And so, dear listeners, as the sun melts gently behind the last cloud home, and the finish line folds into itself like a napkin at an interdimensional picnic, we leave you with one final thought: it’s not about the bike... it's about playing the bicycle. Until next year, keep your handlebars loose, your metaphorical chain greased, and remember - you can’t spell 'revolution' without a little spin."
[Theme music: reversed calliope version of Bicycle Race, overlaid with a child reciting prime numbers into a fan]
"This has been Tour of the Gila, brought to you by the invisible sponsors of time itself. Goodnight, and may your wheels never point in the same direction twice."
[SIGN-OFF SFX: bell ding, accordion sigh, goat bleat]
ⶮ⦂⊛⳱⫯⍼₱ⵁ⥍◵⌀✯⍊ⲛ⥡ⷈ⢝♽≎⊯❌⚳☬⎲⍯∎❁⩷⭌∪➵⨊⟁℔✬⃥⺗◦⠵⼝⁘Ⳬ⸖⹅
Kraftwerk - Prologue/Tour de France Étape 1, 2 & 3/Chrono
R. Crumb And His Cheap Suit Serenaders - Pedal Your Blues Away
John Renbourn - The Bicycle Tune
Tomorrow - My White Bicycle
The Jazz Crusaders - The Young Rabbits
Binder & Krieglstein - Stadtrad
The Beach Boys - Do You Like Worms: Bicycle Rider Overdubs (Heroes and Villains Part 2) 1/5/67
Jeremy Young - The Duchamp Bicycle Wheel Resonator (With Vito Ricci)
Frank Zappa - Teaches Steve Allen to Play the Bicycle (1963)
Hawkwind - Silver Machine
Free Nelson Mandoomjazz - Bicycle Day
Bottegasonora - Leavin' the Car, Takin' a Bicycle
Splodgenessabounds - Bicycle Seat
Richard Lerman - Promenade Version (Boston, Mass., July 2, 1979)
Boud Deun - Ralis
Queen - Bicycle Race
Katie Melua - Nine Million Bicycles
Max Miller - Let's Have a Ride On Your Bicycle
Vivian Stanshall - Terry Keeps His Clips On
Pink Floyd - Bike
Madness - Riding On My Bike
The Orange Bicycle - Last Cloud Home
Kraftwerk - Elektro Kardiogramm
Splodgenessabounds - Bicycle Seat (Dub)